How to Survive the Perth Cold

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An article by The Bell Tower Times

1. Dress like you are heading to Mount Everest Base Camp

What do Patagonia, Kathmandu and The North Face of anything all have in common? You haven’t been there, pal. Your life may be like a booze, Netflix and Uber eatish Groundhog Day, but you sure as shit look active. Posing never looked so puffy.

2. Get into a Heated Argument about Climate Change

If you’re a Baby Boomer climate change skeptic you know that the fact they had to use a heater this morning is irrefutable proof that climate change science is a load of shit. After all, you’ve been through way more winters and don’t reckon it’s too bloody hot. Wake the sheeple up.

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3. Don’t Wear Shorts

Even though you would push your own mother out of the way to get to a pair of shorts, you must concede that some days require a pair of trackies. Don’t go crazy and wear your good Court trackies, just that flogged out pair you pinched from Big W in 2014. That is the Perth way.

4. Drive Atrociously

You can get it braking, you get it skidding, you can get it ploughing through a house, a cold wet road needs a classic Perth act, and the best Perth act is shit, shit driving. Who knows how this keeps you warm, but with the number of people doing it, it must work?

5. Sacrifice Your Ute to the Sinkhole God of Smoko

“Thou sinkhole, who art in Baldivis, hallowed be thy name, they tradie come, smokos not done, fuck this shit I’m grabbing a coupla bevans”. This is a bit of a new one for Perth, but hey, it sure beats standing around with a stop sign pretending to work.

6. Magic Mushrooms

Get a handful of Balingup’s finest mushies into your trip-hole and before you know it, you won’t remember how to use your phone let alone have a firm grasp of temperature. Make sure you have friends around, and avoid the temptation to navigate South East Asia and end up on a Thai beach playing bongos.

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