There is perhaps no bigger icon of Perth than its vivacious, eye-catching, thought-provoking, awe-inspiring Bell Tower Times. Showcasing an understanding of Perth’s many in’s and out-rages that the state’s signature masthead could only dream of, Perth Is Ok is excited to welcome the ever-scathing eye of Belle Tower, enlightening our fine readers with the wisdom of a thousand Bayswater Bridge blowouts.
First up, a very particular guide to embracing a new age lifestyle:
1. You’re woke, you understand that the internet is full of fakeness and as a beacon of new-age enlightenment you minimise your bandwidth footprint, but how do you wake up all the sheeple? By constantly posting about your social media cleanses online of course!
2. Abstaining from television must be an Olympic sport because you always seem to want a medal for it. Your life is cath-Ode to being unshackled by the idiot tube and you’ll tell anyone who will listen, but when you retire to your zen den, you smash someone else’s Netflix account – don’t let anyone tell you that is the same thing.
3. What do you do for entertainment? Read of course! If literature be the food of life then you are like the slob in Crocs going back for his 8th plate at Sizzler. Never leave the house without a smart-looking book in your mits. Oh, and don’t worry, no one will notice that bookmark hasn’t moved in 2 weeks.
4. As an earthling, you are a citizen of the world and are entitled to its rich energy. So there is no way you are chipping in for electricity or gas bills. Your housemates can demand the cash all they want, but how can you give what has already been spent on yoga retreats and hippie festivals? Genius.
5. The only thing you like more than buying all your clothes at Ishka is taking them off! Nudity is natural, man, and you are totally comfortable with it. What better way to demonstrate this comfort than by making everyone else uncomfortable by hanging dong while you whip yourself up a kale smoothie in the communal kitchen?
6. As a higher being, you feel drained by mere mortals and need to recharge, so you meditate. Of course, the key to using meditation to “take a break” from people is doing it in the most public spot possible – a busy park, the beach or your lounge room while people are trying to watch The Chase. Namaste.
7. You speak fluent Pete-Evanslish. An unenlightened earthling will instinctively block someone who posts about activated goat radish – not you though, you seek them out, befriend them and then share recipes for alkalised, yoghurt kombucha made with 110% organic Himalayan kefir water.
8. Most importantly, you are the change that you want to see in the world, and you consider it your duty to doll out unsolicited advice on all your new age horse-shit. Remember, 9 out of 10 times a person’s chakra is unaligned is simply because a new age devotee hasn’t told them yet.